Zikaron for Adira

For anyone who is interested, Yehuda's sister-in-law is compiling a sefer zikaron for family and friends. She is trying to get this done as soon as possible (by shloshim or soon after) and is best done now since as memories are still fresh in our minds. This is an opportunity to share what you admired about Adira and the stories you remember, in addition to the comfort it will provide for everyone. Please contact Rochel Tila at RochelField@gmail.com.

My Dear Friend Adira

Adir Adiranu, Hashem Adonanu, Ma Adir Shimcha B’chul Haaretz…chanting in a typical tune that is used in my shuls worldwide during mussaf kedusha on yomim naroim and the shelosh regalim, was the way I answered the phone whenever I knew Adira was calling. Not only did it have her name in it, it also defines her. "Mighty is our Mighty One, Hashem, our Master- how mighty is Your name throughout the earth." In her life and her death Adira’s name has been mighty and spread throughout the world; be it Yeshiva World, text messages or emails, many were moved by Adira’s story and in return, proclaimed Hashem’s name throughout the world.
Since the passing, every time I picture Adira, I picture Adira from Purim in Seminary. She looked exactly like Malkie Fogel! It was pretty funny how she dressed up. But Adira was more than that, she didn’t just wear the clothes of her esteemed mechanechet or role models, she acted like them. There were many of times when Adira and I would be talking after our seminary days and she would refer to teachers from seminary. The questions was- "What should I do and how should I act?" was usually answered with "what would my role models from Israel do?" She would look up to the greatest Darchei Binah had to offer and emulate their ways. I think many people can learn from Adira and emulate in her ways and follow in her middos and mitzvos in which she performed so diligently.
Adira, as we all know, loved all Jews. Whether they were frum or not, Adira had a deep love for them. And she loved doing kiruv. From when she first got back from seminary, she taught in a kiruv school and learned with a partner over the phone through Partners in Torah. After finding her soul mate, she didn’t stop kiruv. Her trip to Moscow with Yehudah, I’m sure would have been the first of many if her life wasn’t cut short.
She loved people, and people loved her. I knew that if I ever needed a good laugh, Adira was the one to call. Even when we had nothing to talk about, the conversation usually had me crying of laughter.
As I sit here a week after Adira has passed on and she had a baby, I have shed many physical tears and even more tears in my heart. I should be writing on her onlysimchas page wishing her much Mazal Tovs on the birth of her healthy baby girl, and not a blog made in her memory. I remember all the funny times and I remember all the times I really was impressed and learning from Adira’s actions. These are memories that I need to keep close to my heart since I don’t have the ability to create new ones with my dear friend, Adira. When I say the line in Mussaf Kedusha "Adira Adonanu.." I’ll say it with a tear and be thinking of Adira. I know that now that she has finished her mission in this world, she will continue to work on her mission in the world to come and beg Hashem with all her heart to bring Mashiach so we can really spread the name of Hashem throughout the world, the ultimate Kiruv project, and that we can have the benefit of enjoying Adira once again with techias hamasim, in our days! Amen!
Thank you Millers who did a wonderful job raising such an amazing girl that has touched so many lives. And to baby Rochel Adira Chana- you should know, your mommy was something to be proud of. May the family be comforted.

Chizuk and Hespeidim from Darchei Binah Staff

Rav Oratz, Mrs. Gallant, and Mrs. Kurland spoke about Adira, and about perspectives on the situation.

I was having a hard time connecting the actual recording, but you can download it from this link for the next 14 days and continue to email it from your computer.

https://www.yousendit.com/download/TzY3Zm1YQVM1bmgzZUE9PQ

If anyone knows how to put it onto the blog, please do.

May we continue to get together and see each other at simchos!

My Friend, Adira

My friend, Adira, had a baby and went into a coma. The doctors had given up hope, but I had not. Everything would be OK. People come out of comas all the time. Of course, she was going to get better. She was only twenty- three. And she had to help me with my student teaching. And she was supposed to live next door to me in Kiryat Sefer. And now she had a little baby girl to raise! She had to get better. But she didn’t.

This morning I checked my e-mail. I did not even have to open the message. The Boruch Dayan Haemes glared at me from the subject line. I started to cry. She can’t be dead! She is Adira! We were going to laugh at the tactless Yeshiva World comments together. I had already asked Hashem to bring her home in time for Shabbos. Too bad I had forgotten to specify which home. By mistake He took her to His house.

So I cried. And cried. I started sobbing. Adira, Adira, Adira! Abba! Where is Adira? I need her. Her baby needs her. Her husband needs her. Abba’leh!

Then, I heard her voice in my head. “Malka, what are you doing sitting at home? You have to run to student teaching! Don’t you want to get married and move to Israel? Finish those hours now!”

I was planning on walking around depressed all day. Telling everyone about my friend who suddenly passed away, so it’s OK that I am late, that I did not finish my homework, that I ran out of patience and snapped at my students. My friend died, and I am sad. That’s a valid excuse for… everything.

That’s not what Adira would have done. Adira would not have stayed at home crying all day. She may have taken out a Tehillim. She probably would have learned a little bit. Then she would have gone about her day, as usual. Checking off everything on her list. Adira was a real person. She was not into exaggeration. It is what it is. Do what you have to do. And don’t make a big deal out of it.

I did not let myself imagine that Adira would die. And she didn’t. She lives on in my heart every time I stop and consider what she would have done… Every time I want to be lazy. Every time I give myself a pat on the back for doing something I was supposed to do. Every time I choose to do something I was not supposed to do. Would she be proud of me, or would she be forced to “say something somewhat mussarish but hopefully not too tough”(quote from an E-mail from Adira when she, unfortunately, was not too proud of me)?

The Gemara teaches us about mourning. “Al tifku lemeis yoter me’dei, v’al tanutu lo yoter mekeshir.” Don’t over-exxagerate your right to mourn the dead. This exaggeration makes us lose sight of the real message. Is it sad? Unimaginable? A terrible tragedy? Yes, yes, and of course! But what would Adira have done?

Words from Yehuda Boltshauser during Shiva

(This was taken from an e-mail on 11/18/09)

There is so much that I want to say, but being that today is Rosh Chodesh, the halacha is that we are not allowed to be maspid, so I will keep the hespid for the shloshim. My roshei yeshiva were however maskim that I share a few words of hakara.

There are no words to describe how I am feeling now – and I sincerely hope that no one should ever be in the same shoes as I am in now.

However, over the past 48 hours we have thanked Hashem countless of times for all the small nissim that he has performed for us, be it with Adira or with our baby, as well as his shlichim in the form of the doctors and hospital staff. It is said at the beginning of maseches taanis that there are three keys that HaKadosh Baruch Hu does not place in the hands of a shaliyach: life, death, and rain. Over the past 48 he turned all three keys. Yes, in the end Hakadosh Baruch Hu decided that he wanted my aishes chayil to come back to her creator, but I have no doubt that up in shamayim she transferred her neshama and chaim into our baby. The question of how or why this could happen does not exist in my mind. In the matzav that the baby was born, it was said that only 5% of babies survive, and out of those only 20% make it past the first 24 hours. It was quite evident that as Adira’s matzav got progressively worse, the baby made drastic improvements. At the one point that Adira responded to some extreme pain in her back, the baby started having extreme seizures. Just as Adira was niftar, the last tube was removed from the baby.

As Rabbi Zev Leff said “All she wanted was to have a baby – that was her tafkid.” And my Rosh Yeshiva, HaRav Shwartzman, said “Hashem does not give anyone a nisayon that they are not capable of handling.” I realize that my task ahead to grow and learn how to handle this nisayon. As Rabbi Feldman of Ner Yisroel said to my brother-in-law, "Just like there are stars in the sky that fall, those stars shoot back up. Adira was a shining star, and though she fell, she shot back up to her creator." And though I would I wish that I could have been by her side when she left this world, I was in the middle of mincha. Adira went up to the next world while we were in the middle of yaale v'yavo.

Right now, all I have left now is a beautiful little girl and a tremendous amount of chizuk.The reason I named her Rachel Adira Chana this morning is the following: Rachel Imeinu was also moser nefesh for Binyamin, Adira becaus Baruch Hashem the baby is strong, and Chana for chein. It is amazing how millions of yidden around the globe united together for a cause. There are no words of thanks that can begin to describe the amount of hakaras hatov that we have for all the people who davened, shared their stories with us, and assisted us in multiple ways thought the whole ordeal. Additionally, there are all the people who flew in from America to be with during this difficult time, and the baby is in good hands. Alevay that we should have the koach to unite klal yisroel together not only in times of pain such as this, but also for simchas and for the coming of moshiach.

Chizuk from R' Brown and the Girls in TD

I don't think there are any adequate or appropriate words that I can share with you on my own, but R' Brown spoke to the girls in Tomer Devorah today and there are a few points of Chizuk that I want to share with you (if anyone wants the whole print out of what he said, I have it typed up, just ask and I'll be happy to email it to you), and a few things that I spoke to the girls about that they shared about Adira.
R' Brown started off saying that he's given a lot of hespaidim and he’s met many girls but never someone with the name Adira, which means strength, and that that strength is the strength that she’s going to give to the baby to keep on going…but we just said these same things about adira… we just said that Adira was going to have the strength…so now how to we understand this and keep the strength for her baby?

Every bad situation comes with pain but also with a lesson for us to learn from it. We need to separate the pain from the lessons we learn from it….

Hakadosh Baruch Hu is in control and directing this world…certainly directing things like this…When things like this happen it’s not a time to undo and forget all our fundamental beliefs, our beliefs still stay strong during these times and if anything are strengthened with it…

Similar to a tornado….with a direction, a target, coming down with a bolt of lightning pointedly at the world and removing the neshama of Adira, Hahsem recalled her neshama not because of an imperfection, not because of a lack, not because of something is missing and it can’t stay here but the contrary is true. Adira, was a young women, who just became a mother, who just became a wife, just became a grown up and has just started a life. This reality is meant to test us, it’s meant for us to take home, it’s meant to affect us, and it’s meant to enable us to walk away with a lesson that will change our lives. It can’t be forgotten or overlooked.

The gemara teaches us about mourning…“al tifku lemeis yoter me’dei, v’al tanutu lo yoter mekeshir” don’t exaggerate the mourning for the dead more than is the appropriate amount... the rambam explains that often the natural way of the world is to exagerate and with that lose sight of the reality and the real message that’s meant to affect us. The rambam continues to relate how to handle a tzarah that effects your own chabura, your group. When someone in a group is hit by something or is missing the whole group feels the pain and the absence, the whole group suffers together, but also draws chizuk and grows together. Adira was very much a part of us in terms of chabura, be it Darchei Binah, or Tomer Devorah, or her community, we can all relate to her as a part of us, We all feel her vacancy as a part in us that is missing, permanently missing. The rambam tells us that in this situation we need to search our ways and do teshuva.

Rabbi Brown explained that Teshuva is not the idea of fixing something that is broken, but rather it finding that which is whole inside of ourselves and learning to appreciate it. A part of us is lost but we all have many other parts that still remain in tact. Teshuva means to return. to return to our own personal beginnings... who and what brought us to where we are today? How much hakaros hatov do we need to have? How much kippad av v’am do we owe?…the amount we can give back is endless by appreciating and recognizing the positivity in what we have.

R' Brown continued to say that things like this don’t happen to simple people…these things happens to people that Hashem considers their neshama in shamayim as a rose…theres a passuk in shir hashirim ”my friend went down to the garden…likot bashoshanim… to gather up roses” …the medrash tells us that those roses are considered neshamoes…these are the neshamoes that are taken from us before what is seemingly their time.

R’ Brown ended saying that Adira exemplified so many middos, so many ideas, so many concepts, we need to keep Adira in our consciousness by taking these upon ourselves!…. Learn from her qualities who we need to become…

She smiled? Smile! She was courteous? Be courteous! She was courageous enough to get married and have a baby, that takes courage? Be courageous! She had strength to give over to others to help klal yisroel? Do the same!

A little bit after that, I had a class and we spoke about a few concepts related to Adira, the girls spoke about the things that Adira taught them, or that they learnt from her by virtue of her presence. I want to share some of the things that they had said(again if you want e/t that was said please ask and ill be happy to email all of it). But in general, over and over it was repeated from many different angles that Adira, was a real person, that she was genuine and emesdik in what she did and said and how she taught them. One point that really touched me, a girl said that she knew Adira really cared because she would ask her about her shabbas plans every Wednesday and then on Sunday remember what she had said and ask specifics about how her shabbas had gone. When they say she was genuine they mean it, she didnt just hear what was being said to her, she listened! She was full of Simcha, she gave a workshop on simcha just last week, she didn't just teach it, she demonstrated it. The list goes on, every girl had something to say, every girl learnt something different, every girl was made to feel special by her, Adira was real and it was felt by everyone who was zoche to know her.

May we continue to draw on her kochoes as a point of strength and chizuk for klal yisroel, and may we only share in shimchoes and besoroes tovoes.

Dear Reader,

Last night, I was lying in bed, wide awake. I was hoping to e-mail Yehuda some stories of Adira. I had heard that coma victims can sometimes wake up if they heard familiar things. These are the stories that I wanted to send to Yehuda and his new baby daughter.

Adira's birthday in Israel was one to remember. Devorah, Rachel, Leah and I bought a pizza from Trevi's and set up the apartment to resemble an 80's club. We all dressed up in 80's costumes (weirdos, I know). Adira was coming back to the apartment from her evening HONORS (shout out to Honors girls) class and so we shut all of the lights. We watched her from out attic window as she entered the building. We decided to hide behind furniture, and shout surprise when she got into the room.

That didn't happen.

Mrs. Benchamu (remember her) was making her rounds to check that we were keeping the apartment clean. Mrs. Benchamu came into the apartment just as Adira was coming up the stairs. Mrs. Benchamu was shouting and looking for the lights and we were trying to tell her to be quiet so that we could surprise the birthday girl.

Mrs. Benchamu opened the lights as Adira opened the Left Attic door. We all yelled 'SURPRISE!', scaring both Adira and Mrs. Benchamu. Both women were shocked by the way that we were dressed. Mrs. Benchamu muttered something in Hebrew and left.

We had an awesome 80's pizza bithday party for Adira.

Another story:

Devorah and I heard a shout from the bathroom. Adira was shaving her legs and cut herslef a little bit. Devorah and I couldn't find our band-aids, so we asked Monique, the Madricha. As she was getting the band-aids, Miki heard a commotion and came upstairs. Adira thought that we'd trick both Miki and Monique. She got a vegetable peeler out of the drawer in the kitchen and told Miki and Monique that she couldn't find her shaver, so she used a peeler instead. That's why she needed the band-aids.

I have so many memories of my sister, roommate, secret keeper, jokester and friend. Adira and I cooked our first box of WackyMac together. We discussed how spoiled meat should not be eaten if it has mold on it, and she decided to the non-moldy part of it. We spent many inspiring Shabbosim together. We have been calling each other ever since we left Israel, and I just spoke to her a week and a half ago.
She was so excited to be a mother. I was telling her all about how wonderful it has been for me so far, and she was anxious to start her own family of little Adiras.

I miss her terribly. I am a mess. What gives me hope is that this little baby will be reminded of her amazing mother and Adira's legacy every day of her life. What a zechus her duaghter has.

Adira

"Adira Miller Smith!" we used to joke in SEG. I can't believe its been so long since we were at the homowack and then that ranch place- golden acres? That was definitely an experience. And then we kept in touch all the way through seminary - where I happily encouraged you to come to DB with me and then join me as an "honors girl". I am just flooded with memories Adira. I remember seeing you last year on Strauss, talking about work permits, jobs, finishing college, cholent for Sunday night dinners. And then just two weeks ago we were joking about how your winter coat didnt quite fit anymore now that its finally cold.

But Adira, now it is really cold. I cant imagine, I'm trying to pull myself together, trying to live in a world where you are not. I know that your incredible neshama is being a melitz for all of klal yisrael right now, but am I selfish for wishing it wasn't yours that was needed? You have such a beautiful little girl, I thought one day we would finally get together here and our babies would play together.

Adira, you have left an eternal legacy, one that will never be forgotten, I will never forget you.

Adira

I spent Shana Aleph with Adira in Darchei Binah, and she made a very strong impression on me in that short time. She had a real simcha about her - a great sense of humor, always a smile on her face. She was a great person to talk to, she had the ability to relate to all different types of people, and she would have been an incredible mother. May Yehuda and their daughter find comfort for their loss, and may we all continue to be inspired by Adira.

For Adira

Please comment on this posting to submit your thoughts/memories/feelings of Adira.