Words from Yehuda Boltshauser during Shiva

(This was taken from an e-mail on 11/18/09)

There is so much that I want to say, but being that today is Rosh Chodesh, the halacha is that we are not allowed to be maspid, so I will keep the hespid for the shloshim. My roshei yeshiva were however maskim that I share a few words of hakara.

There are no words to describe how I am feeling now – and I sincerely hope that no one should ever be in the same shoes as I am in now.

However, over the past 48 hours we have thanked Hashem countless of times for all the small nissim that he has performed for us, be it with Adira or with our baby, as well as his shlichim in the form of the doctors and hospital staff. It is said at the beginning of maseches taanis that there are three keys that HaKadosh Baruch Hu does not place in the hands of a shaliyach: life, death, and rain. Over the past 48 he turned all three keys. Yes, in the end Hakadosh Baruch Hu decided that he wanted my aishes chayil to come back to her creator, but I have no doubt that up in shamayim she transferred her neshama and chaim into our baby. The question of how or why this could happen does not exist in my mind. In the matzav that the baby was born, it was said that only 5% of babies survive, and out of those only 20% make it past the first 24 hours. It was quite evident that as Adira’s matzav got progressively worse, the baby made drastic improvements. At the one point that Adira responded to some extreme pain in her back, the baby started having extreme seizures. Just as Adira was niftar, the last tube was removed from the baby.

As Rabbi Zev Leff said “All she wanted was to have a baby – that was her tafkid.” And my Rosh Yeshiva, HaRav Shwartzman, said “Hashem does not give anyone a nisayon that they are not capable of handling.” I realize that my task ahead to grow and learn how to handle this nisayon. As Rabbi Feldman of Ner Yisroel said to my brother-in-law, "Just like there are stars in the sky that fall, those stars shoot back up. Adira was a shining star, and though she fell, she shot back up to her creator." And though I would I wish that I could have been by her side when she left this world, I was in the middle of mincha. Adira went up to the next world while we were in the middle of yaale v'yavo.

Right now, all I have left now is a beautiful little girl and a tremendous amount of chizuk.The reason I named her Rachel Adira Chana this morning is the following: Rachel Imeinu was also moser nefesh for Binyamin, Adira becaus Baruch Hashem the baby is strong, and Chana for chein. It is amazing how millions of yidden around the globe united together for a cause. There are no words of thanks that can begin to describe the amount of hakaras hatov that we have for all the people who davened, shared their stories with us, and assisted us in multiple ways thought the whole ordeal. Additionally, there are all the people who flew in from America to be with during this difficult time, and the baby is in good hands. Alevay that we should have the koach to unite klal yisroel together not only in times of pain such as this, but also for simchas and for the coming of moshiach.